450
By Leanne (2018)
Characters
DECO: Mid 20’s, extroverted
MICK: Mid 20’s, introverted
JACINTA: Mid 20’s extroverted
BERNADETTE: Mid 20’s, introverted
MICK’S DA: Late 40’s, empathetic
Setting:
Inside a Ballymun flat.
Time:
Early 00’s.
SCENE ONE
Deco is inside micks flat lying on his sofa telling him about an idea.
Mick is sitting on an armchair watching telly. Mick’s da is making breakfast.
DECO: c’mon bro it’ll be mad
MICK: ah Deco, me da will snap if he finds out.
DECO: Fuck your da, he’s an arsewipe.
Micks da comes over to the boys with a smile on his face and their food.
MICKS DA: heres your food lads
DECO: Ah sound paul
MICK: Yeah sound da
MICKS DA: no bother
Micks da walks back into kitchen. Slight Pause.
DECO: what a prick
Deco eats his food while continuing to talk to Mick
DECO: So are ye doin it or not cos im not sitting around all day
MICK: I don’t know deco he’ll have a fucking break down if we take it on him.
DECO: we’ll only take it for an hour then bring it back
Scene Two
Deco and mick are speeding down the road on a 450 cc
Mick is holding onto the back of deco tightly.
MICK: fucking slow down Deco
DECO: what
Mick roars into decos ear
MICK: Slow the fuck down
DECO: Jayus my ears.
Deco drives fast, too fast and almost crashes into a wall but instead turns and drives the bike into a field.
DECO & MICK: SHIT
Deco and mick jump off the bike before it crashes into a wall when they drive out of the field.
Lying on the grass.
DECO: Ha, you’re fucked mate
MICK: whatcha mean, you’re the one who wanted to drive the fucking thing.
DECO: Yeah, but ye could have said no.
MICK: for fuck sake deco this is fucked.
Micks da comes out to the balcony and looks down.
MICKS DA: whats going on down there?
DECO: nothing, whats going on up there?
MICKS DA: Nothing.
DECO: Good, now are ye doin me washing Paul?
MICKS DA: oh jaysus yeah, I’ll be back in a minute.
Micks da runs back inside to do the washing.
MICK: what are we gonna do Deco
DECO: eh, what are YOU gonna do, it’s YOUR das bike.
Micks da come down stairs to the boys.
MICKS DA: I’m heading the shop, do ye’s want anything Beat. what the fuck is this?
Micks da sees the bike.
DECO: it was his fault.
MICK: da, it’s not what it looks like.
MICKS DA: do you know what you’ve done
MICK:Eh
Micks da pulls mick in for a hug.
MICKS DA: we’re rich, I’m getting me fucking claim yerrrrrr.
DECO: Eh I drove it into the wall so I better be getting some of that fucking money.
Micks da heads down to get his claim with deco and mick.
MICKS DA: I’m here for me claim.
BERNIE: can I see your registration.
Micks da hands her the sheet.
SECRETARY: I’m sorry sir but this registration is expired.
MICK: whats that mean?
BERNIE: it means you can’t get your claim, you haven’t paid for insurance in over 6 years, what did you expect.
Micks da turns to deco.
DECO: Ah here now mick, calm down.
MICKS DA: that was my fucking 450 ye little bollix.
Micks da grabs deco and chokes the shit out of him.
BERNIE: Shouts offstage. Jacinta, get security.
MICK: Here I’m going the toilet.
Mick walks up to Bernie.
MICK: Sorry love, where’s the toilets.
The song I wanna know what love is starts to play as Bernie falls in love with mick.
MICK: helloooo?
BERNIE: Yeah sorry hun, it’s behind there.
Mick walks towards the bathroom.
DECO: for fuck sake paul get off me.
MICKS DA: Me fucking 450
Jacinta walks out and goes towards micks da and deco.
JACINTA: Ah here, get off the poor chap, jesus Christ.
Jacinta pulls micks da off deco.
MICKS DA: I need a pint.
Micks da walks out of the claims office.
JACINTA: you alright hun.
The song I wanna know what love is plays as deco falls in love with Jacinta.
JACINTA: jesus Christ the poor fellas mute, I’ll get ye some water.
Jacinta walks towards the water machine and mick comes out of the toilet. Jacinta bumps into mick.
JACINTA: oh sorry hun.
The song I wanna know what love is starts to play as mick falls in love with Jacinta.
JACINTA: fucks sake whats up with this place today?
Jacinta brings deco his water as he sits up.
DECO: So, do ye wanna go the offo after this?
JACINTA: eh sorry love, I’m taken.
DECO: I don’t believe ye, wheres your ring?
JACINTA: here, what the fuck?
Jacinta looks for her ring and sees deco has it in his hand.
JACINTA: Ye robbing prick.
DECO: ah it’s only a mess, cmon we get a drink.
JACINTA: What, we go in your shite little Nissan micra, yeah bro whatever ye say.
Jacinta takes her ring back and walks towards the counter.
JACINTA: Here sort out them youngfellas yeah, im havin a smoke.
BERNIE: yeah, gowan then.
Bernie walks towards deco and mick.
BERNIE: alright boys, shows over let’s go.
MICK: right here look sorry about that.
BERNIE: Ah it’s grand, happens around three times a week so it’s nothing new.
MICK:cmere ye don't know the name of the bird your working with do ye?
BERNIE: yeah why?
MICK: im gonna ask if she wants to grab a drink.
BERNIE: oh, yeah her names Jacinta.
DECO: Jacinta, what a name, and what a cracker.
MICK: here I saw her first.
DECO: actually broski, I saw her first after she saved me from your prick of a da.
BERNIE: Alright alright look, I’m not having another fight, now gowan fuck off out.
JACINTA: Bernie, are the fellas gone yet.
BERNIE: No I’m getting them to go now.
Jacinta walks back out to the office.
JACINTA: look will ye’s just leave.
DECO: one drink gowan.
JACINTA: Will ye just fucking leave youngfella.
MICK: what do we have to do to get ye to come.
JACNITA: Right on one condition, ye have to bring Bernie here aswell.
BERNIE: what?
Jacinta pulls Bernie off to the side for a bit.
JACINTA: Bernie, if we go we get to get free drink.
BERNIE: one hour, that's all im doing.
Jacinta turns back around to the boys.
JACINTA: right were done at 5 if you're a minute late we’re not going.
DECO & MICK: right.
Jacinta and Bernie go back to work. Deco and Mick walk outside the claims office and Mick’s Da is driving slowly and bumps them with the car.
MICK’S DA: Mon’ boys we’re gettin’ a pint.
The lads lay on the ground moaning.
End Scene.
