Bob’s Life

Fighting Words Dublin, St Louis Primary School, 5th Class, 13th October 2026

I always wanted to be President of Spain but I couldn’t because of my fear of public speaking, and I don’t think I’ll get too many votes.

If you’re wondering, I am a toilet but I’m not scary. Hello my name is Bob.

There is this guy called Alexander III that I don’t like. He was a plumber and whenever he plumbed me I got hurt.

One Monday he came back again. How do you think it feels when a stick keeps going into you?

My best friend is toilet paper named Jeff and his girlfriend is a toothbrush called Brushella.

Brushella and Jeff live the life because they don’t get plumbed everyday!

I needed to go on a mission to get toilet paper.

Along the way, Jeff said he could try and help me become the President of Spain.

All of a sudden, Alexander III hit me with a car! It dawned on me that I didn’t have any insurance!

When the car hit us, my heart shattered with it. The thing was… I had a crush on the car Alexander III was driving!

So I went to Alexander III’s house and stole his wallet to pay for the insurance.

After I stole his wallet, I decided to kidnap him so he would be forced to stop plumbing me.

“When I become President of Spain, all plumbers will be banned and sent to prison,” I told him.

He started yelling at me.

I flushed all the dirty toilet water on his face!

I made my way over to meet Billy the toothpaste who was cleaning himself with his friend Charlie the soap.

“On Friday I’m going to go to the election to see if they’ll let me become President of Spain, but I don’t know if they’ll let me as I’m a toilet,” I told them.

That Friday, I flew to Spain and started thinking, why do I want to be the President of Spain why not Ireland?

I realised that I wanted to learn Spanish but there were other reasons to…

Would you believe two months later, someone in a black tux knocked on my hotel door.

“You’re the new President of Spain,” they informed me and left.

Suddenly, I realised it was all a dream but I was still in Spain.

I went to the voting session and bribed the guards with half of my life savings. I bribed the current President of Spain with the other half. I rigged the votes and won!

I moved onto achieving my second life goal: demolish all the plumbers in Spain!

I dressed up as a plumber and threw a plumber party. All the plumbers in Spain came. They didn’t know there was a crusher in the ceiling that would drop if they stepped on a specific plank. They would all be crushed!

The first person who showed up the party was the car that hit me, and I had a crush on! I didn’t want her to roll on to the plank because she was going to get crushed….

A few months later when I was moving into the Presidential House, they found the body of Alexander III….