By Shonagh Murphy, Playwriting Summer Camp
Tori: 23 works as a waitress, kind, Inner-city Dublin
Sinead: 25 works as a waitress with Tori, sassy, inner-city Dublin
James: 25 works in law, smart, north Dublin
Stephine: 22, nurse, dozy, north Dublin
SETTING: Restaurant at night
Tori and Sinead are at the Laneway back of the restaurant.
Tori: God really needed this fag.
Sinead: So, the date, I want to know everything, what did you wear? Is he nice? Where did you go?
Tori: It went smashing. I wore the cute red dress ye told me to. We went to the fancy restaurant down town. He was a proper gentleman ye know- held the door and all that other shit
Sinead: Aww love chuffed for ye
Tori: I know I’m buzzing for the next one
Sinead: The next date!!!, you’ve arranged another date and all
Tori: Ye he said he’s real keen on me and wants to keep seeing me, we’re not together but we’re a thing ye know (chuckles)
Sinead: Aww yea got yourself a good fella
Tori: I know, look at his tinder profile I had to scro-
Sinead: Omg he’s fit ain’t he.
Manager: Girls break is over get back to it
Tori: Get the next table for me would ye I want to finish my smoke
Sinead walks back into the restaurant
Tori: (Screams) Thanks Hun
Tori finishes her cigarette and walks back into the restaurant to find Sinead behind the bar staring oddly at a couple
Tori: Hey Sinead, you ok I know your desperate for a fella but staring down couples isn’t going to help
Sinead: ah shut up, your know better yourself. Can I see James tinder profile again?
Tori: ye sure…. but don’t get any ideas
Sinead: Again, shut up Tori.
Sinead takes the phone from Tori
Sinead: what the hell.
She looks over at the couple again.
Sinead: Love, that’s either his twin or he’s a bloody bastard that’s what he is,
Tori: Oh my god that’s him. What the hell. I thought. I thought we were a thing, Well that’s what he told me anyway and now he’s walkin in here with another bird on his arm. He’s even wearing a tin a fruit and all. He didn’t even wear a suit yesterday.
Sinead: ye but look at ye and then look at her. Your massive, your stunning and she’s just-
Tori: Gorgeous, That’s both a good and bad thing. On one hand it will be harder to win him back but at least if I lose him it’s to someone fit and not a troll
Sinead: Loose him, He’s lost you, your amazing and if he can’t see that he’s blind
Sinead: Anyway, the nights only started were going to make him regret getting with another girl.
Tori: Ah Sinead I don’t want to do nothin bad.
Sinead: I’m not, I’m just going to be their waitress and maybe be extra clumsy or something.
Tori: I just don’t want to screw up the date ye know.
Sinead: No? I don’t know, Listen, He screwed up the date by treating you like crap and then walks into your restaurant
Tori: Ye I guess
Sinead: Come on this will be fun I promise
Tori: Ok fine…. where do we start?
At James’s table.
James: They have great options here I’m-
Sinead walks over to the table
Sinead: Hello my name is Sinead and I will be your waitress today would you like anything to drink ?
James: Steph do you want anything ?
Sinead: (inner thoughts) ohhhh Steph, he Calls her Steph. This must not be the fist date. Ughhhh I’m goin flip-
Stephine: Just two cokes please .
Sinead: Oh, right away madam
Sinead walks back to the bar
Sinead: He called her Steph, This must not be their first date,
I almost flipped. Quickly think of the most awful drink possible.
Tori: Beetroot juice… why
Sinead: Wellllll they ordered cokes, so I thought we could just dye an awful drink brown and give it to them.
Tori: Is this legal ?
Sinead: Who cares
Sinead runs to the kitchen and comes out with two drinks that look exactly like coke
Sinead: Wish me luck .
Sinead walks over to the table and hands them the juice
Sinead: Would you like any starters?
James: We would like some hot wings please .
Sinead watches as James takes a drink and then spits it out all over his date Stephine
Stephine: Omg my dressssss !
James: I am so, so, sooo sorry
Sinead walks back to Tori trying to hold in the laughter
Sinead: hahaha ok now that was funny, Now onto the round two. They ordered hot wings, so we can make them extra hot, like they burn there freaken mouths of hot
Tori: I’m still not convinced that this is a good idea. Like I know he’s a bastard.
Tori: BUT can I not just slap him and tell him to get the hell out?
Sinead: if that’s what you want then ye, but you’re my friend and I know you just found that funny. I say we have a bit of craic and teach him a lesson
Sinead: look the wings are ready.
Sinead puts super-hot buffalo sauce on the wings and walks over to the couple. She puts the food on the table and walks back to Tori
James: these looks so nice. I am starving, it’s not every night we get out of the house for a nice meal
James and Stephine both take a bite into a wing and drop them on the table
Stephine: (tongue burning) ho….ho…hot omg these are BURNING !!!
James: Can we get some milk ?
Tori: Go get them some milk hahahha
Sinead: Here’s some milk guys
Stephine and James chug the milk down in an instant
Sinead: I’m going to get your mains you guys did say you wanted the bolognaise correct?
James: (gulp) correct .
Sinead walks away and heads straight for the back door with tori running after her
Tori: Ye I have to admit that was gas, but what are ye doing outside? I thought you were supposed to get the mains ready.
Sinead: I am that’s why I’m here. They ordered bolognaise and we have a bug house out the back full of worms.
Tori: You wouldn’t dare.
Sinead: Listen he treated you like dirt so let him eat some and a couple worms won’t kill him
Manager: Girls get back out here the bolognaise is ready.
Sinead: Got to go Tori hahaha
Sinead walks away and grabs the dishes from her manager. She quickly throws the worms inside the meal and hands it to the Stephine and James
Sinead: Bonne appetite,
Stephine: OMGGG there is something moving in my food!!
James: Jesus there is a worm in my meal. WAITERRRRRRR!!
Sinead: Yes, is there a problem? (sniggers)
Stephine: There is something moving in my food!
James: It’s a worm Steph !
Stephine: I was saying there is something moving in my meal .
James: I think we are just going to go. This evening has been….an experience and I think we just need to leave
Sinead: No no stay it will be the highlight of the show.
James: The show?
Sinead: I mean the meal
Stephine: Just take that away I want to have some chocolate cake
James: Omg!!!! (Beat) Fine. Two chocolate cakes please.
Sinead: Perfect choice
Sinead goes back to Tori
Sinead: So, they want chocolate cake. This is a perfect opportunity.
Tori: Opportunity for what exactly?
Sinead: Right picture this. I bring out the chocolate cake, the only meal I haven’t screwed up and you walk up behind and take it off me and rub it all over his face. Tell him to eat that cake and then walk away. Boom.
Tori: ok that’s genius.
Sinead: Let’s do it then.
Sinead and Tori walk into the kitchen and come out with two delicious chocolate cakes. They walk over to the table together and just stand there. Tori is overcome with emotion and doesn’t know what to do
James: Oh, hey Tori, how are you I didn’t know you worked here
Tori: James……fuck you
Tori throws the cake at James face
James: Omg Tori. What the hell?!
Tori: You said to me that you wanted to pursue things with me. And then you walk hand in hand with another bird the next day. You’re an asshole and I’m glad I screwed your date up now.
Sinead: You tell him Tori!
James: What date…. Tori this is my sister Stephine.
Sinead: Oh shit
James: You’re a psycho Tori
James and Stephine leave the restrant leaving tori and Sinead shocked
Sinead: Ye I got a bit carried away there didn’t I?
Tori: You think? Fuck sake Sinead.
Sinead: Ah well there is always more fish in the sea….