Mister Orlaith

By Rahil Kassouri (2017)

Character 1: Aiden
Character 2: Orlaith

Orlaith and Aidan are sitting on the bed in Orlaith’s bedroom. Orlaith is wearing shorts and a vest. Aidan is in a t-shirt and jeans. Aidan is ranting about James (his ex that he recently broke up with) and Orlaith is writing. Orlaith has been hearing Aidan go on about James for a while and is really irritated.

Aidan              I can’t believe it! I mean, I thought he was the one, like, I just- (his voice gets louder, more sure, he sounds like he is coming to a resolution) You know what, I should have seen this coming. You just can’t trust people who wear navy and black together. (pause) Or eat cocopops without milk. Like, how did he not die from dehydration. (pause, sigh) And he ate rice with a spoon. Everyone knows that rice is eaten with a fork!

Orlaith           He also wore bright pink nail varnish and listened to Jason Derulo.

Aidan              Exactly! See I told you he was-

Orlaith           ….ridiculous?

Aidan              Well, I don’t know if that’s the right word…

Orlaith           What? Sorry, I’m just trying to finish my speech for next week…

Aidan              Seriously? Have you been listening at all?

Orlaith           Look, at this stage I just don’t care anymore. You broke up 5 days ago. 5 DAYS! On Monday, when the break up was fresh, and you got snot all over my favourite cashmere top, I forgave you. On Tuesday you ate all my bleedin’ Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Then you forced me to watch My Little Pony with you for SIX hours. And now, almost a stinkin’ week later and you’re still giving the same speech you gave on Wednesday night while sobbing uncontrollably over Toy Story 3-

Aidan              Ok! Sorry! I just- (leans back on bed and lets out a desperate, tired groan)

Orlaith           (grows a bit more considerate and slightly protective. Puts writing things down and, sighing, she moves closer towards Aidan and places hand comfortingly on his shoulder) James is a piece of shit. An attractive, EXTREMELY talented piece of shit, but STILL a piece of shit. And now that he’s gone and cheated on you, it’s time that you flush him out of your life.

Aidan              (sits up, crosses arms and brings one hand up to face) I know it’s stupid…but…I just…want to get back at him…I NEED some sort of revenge…..

Orlaith           (gets up and stretches) Now that is something I can help you with. (sits down in original position and picks up pen and paper) You can go and like make him jealous or something….(casually shrugs and goes back to writing)

Aidan              (stares at Orlaith for a moment, smirks and brings hands together on his lap) That’s not a bad idea.

Orlaith           Yeah, sure.

Aidan              (takes phone out and starts scrolling through facebook) What if I got someone to help me?

Orlaith           Like a really hot guy with a six pack that can play guitar blindfolded?

Aidan              Do you know someone?

Orlaith           (snorts) No. But you can always ask Brian.

Aidan              Who’s that?

Orlaith           You don’t know Brian?

Aidan              Do I look like I‘d be friends with someone called Brian?

Orlaith           (sighs) Have you got any better ideas?

Aidan              Jack?

Orlaith           He’s with some girl named Samantha or something…

Aidan              Finn?

Orlaigh          He moved to Canada, like, 3 months ago. How about, what’s his face… um… that dude Michael?

Aidan              Ew, god no… have you seen his moustache? I like my men clean shaven. (he pauses) I could ask the other Aidan…

Orlaith           (pauses for a moment and gives Aidan a questioning/disgusted look) Even 2-year olds know you can’t go out with someone who has the same name as you.

Aidan              Well, he’s my only option. Unless you want to dress up as a guy. (few seconds of silence)

Orlaith           (stops writing and laughs) What? You’re not serious?

Aidan              Well… (pauses and stares at phone for a second) You know that Brian guy? What’s his second name?

Orlaith           Felton? Brian Felton? (unsure)

Aidan              Isn’t that the football player?

Orlaith           Oh gosh… (embarrassed chuckle) um… Flanagan maybe… wait no… that’s a brand of oats… (mumbles to herself)

Aidan              Brian Fagan?

Orlaith           Oh yeah, that’s it. (pause) Why? (Drops writing things and moves closer to Aidan to look into his phone)

Aidan              Apparently, he’s holding some sort of party tonight…

Orlaith           Ooooh, James is going! (teasing, looking for some sort of reaction from Aidan)

Aidan              I have 2 and a half hours to find a date…

Orlaith           (gets up, starts putting stuff away) Well, good luck with that!

Aidan              Oh come on! That was meant to be the moment where you look at me, realise how much you love me, and volunteer-

Orlaith           I’m not dressing up as a guy. End of!

Aidan              Just give it a try… (runs over to wardrobe and starts going through it murmuring to himself. Pulls out crumpled flannel shirt from back of wardrobe) I didn’t know you owned one of these! (teasingly)

Orlaith           You bought it for me as a joke 2 years ago…

Aidan              (laughs) Oh yeah.. Here, put it on. (Orlaith crosses her arms and looks at him defiantly) Just humour me for a couple of minutes, will you.

Orlaith           Fine! (Aiden throws her the shirt and a pair of baggy jeans which she puts on) I look… ridiculous…

Aidan              You don’t look that bad…

Orlaith           I look like a colourblind 10 year old boy who was dressed by his older lesbian sister!

Aidan laughs, goes over to help her button her shirt. Orlaith pushes him away and turns around.

Orlaith           I’ll do it myself, thank you!

Aidan              Now all you need is a really cool walk…

Orlaith glares at him, struts away from him, stops, turns, and flicks her hair.

Aidan              (laughs) You’re not trying to be Shakira… walk like a guy…

Orlaith           Like you?

Aidan              Oh god no…

Orlaith does a super feminine, ballet-style walk across.

Aidan              I do not walk like a flamingo ballerina tripping on acid.

Orlaith laughs, then puts her hands out and attempts a pirouette.

Aidan              Oh shut up… Just walk like… um… Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Orlaith           (laughs) Like this?

Orlaith impersonates ‘The Rock’, walks across, arms out dramatically, smiling while Aidan is choking with laughter.

Aidan              Oh my god... that smile makes your teeth look like they’re trying to escape.

Orlaith laughs while attempting a few different walks across. Aiden has hands around stomach and is laughing really hard. Orlaith does a casual masculiine walk that Aidan likes.

Aidan              Yes. Perfect. Stop! That one was amazing! (claps hands from excitement)

Orlaith           (does walk again and attempts a deep, sexy voice) What, like this?

Aidan              (super excited) This could work! You’ll just need a wig, and a bit of make-

Orlaith stops what she’s doing and looks at him. Moment passes in silence.

Orlaith           You’re not serious? We’re not actually doing this?

Aidan              But you have the clothes on… and you’ve got the walk… the voice… plus you said-

Orlaith           I did not say anything! I promised nothing… the clothes (waves hands around)… I put them on for a bit of fun… I thought we were just 2 friends messing around. (pause, crosses arms) I am not leaving this room like a homeless chimpanzee on crack. There’s soooo many things that can go wrong, (pause, deep breath) what if that cute barista from Starbucks sees me? (puts hands on face and groans in despair) My weeks of buying triple shot chair capuccino half-foam, half semi-skinned milk, no chocolate in a mug at exactly 3:03 every Thursday wasted!!

Orlaith pauses and takes a deep breath, and Aidan puts hand on her shoulder.

Aidan              3:25, actually…

Orlaith           (glaring) If you don’t get your fingers off me, I will chop them off, fry them and feed them to piranhas.

Aiden awkwardly removes his hand and Orlaith angrily sighs.

Orlaith           Look, don’t get me wrong, you mean a lot to me BUT (pause) I am NOT putting my reputation on the line for you. Why can’t we get your revenge in some other way? (waving arms around) The average human has 302 bones in their body, we could break a couple of them. Maybe his cranium or-

Aidan              Fine! What if we make a deal?

Orlaith           (stares defensively, arms crossed, glaring suspiciously) What could you possibly offer me that would be good enough for one to sign my reputation aw-

Aidan              I would put in a word with my cousin.

Orlaith quiets down and considers this.

Aidan              The really cute one who made you drink toilet water during truth and dare 5 years ago.

Orlaith           (untangles arms and puts one in her hair, sighing) Using attractive girls to get me to do your dirty work for you. Nice…

They look at each other as a few moments pass in silencec. Orlaith grabs Aiden’s hand, entangles their fingers together and starts dragging him towards the door.

Orlaith           You are buying me a couple of drinks and a triple shot chair capuccino half-foam, half semi-skinned milk, no chocolate in a mug!

She pauses in front of the door and takes her hand away from Aidan’s and rubs them on her jeans.

Orlaith           Ew… remind me to never, EVER do that again!

She straightens her shirt and walks out the door.

Aidan              Yes!

Aidan fist bumps the air, then prances out.