Bad beginnings 2011

As I walked down the hallway, I knew something was wrong. The door to my apartment was open. I reached into my pocket for my gun, only to find it was a banana, but in situations like this a banana was better then nothing.

I snuck into my apartment, sunglasses on, and deftly bumped into the island in the middle of the kitchen. I got up, ignoring the searing pain in my left knee, my trained ears heard something and I whirled around and threw the banana with enough precision to skin a cat.  Unfortunately, it hit my cat.

If the intruder hadn’t heard me by now he would definitely have heard the racket my cat was making.

“William?” said a startled voice behind me.

I spun around a little too fast for my injured knee and I collapsed to the floor. “Mom!” I gasped in pain  (I had bent my finger back). “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Well I left my tai chi DVD here earlier,” she said.  “And shouldn’t you be in bed?  It’s almost 11!”

“Aaaa mam, I’m 17!” I cried nursing my finger.

“Well don’t blame me when you’re cranky tomorrow,” she said as she left. “Goodnight love,” she called.  “Night,” I called back half-heartedly, as I closed the door and went back to feeling sorry for myself.   “Ahh jayzus my knee!”

“William! William! Wake up!!”
“Ahhh!” I yelled.

“What’s wrong,” asked Suzie “ugg” Johnson.

“I had a dream that I was a rookie again,” I gasped.

“Was it bad?” she asked.

“I had a banana instead of a gun and I hurt my finger.  What do you think?”

“So it was a bad one then,” said Suzie to herself.
5 minutes and 3 pieces of cold toast later I brought the subject back up:

“I’m glad I’m not a rookie anymore,” I said.

“And why’s that?” Suzie asked.

“So I can do this.”  I turned around and kicked open the front door, punched the person behind it in the stomach and knocked the gun out of his hand.

“Hey Jerry,” I said casually.

“William,” Jerry nodded.  “I see you’re still on your toes.”

“I’m always on my toes,” I retorted.

We stared at each other until I blinked, then he came in for tea.

“So Jerry,” asked Suzie. “What are you doing with yourself these days?” “Well,” replied Jerry.  “After all my evil schemes and my new hip I don’t do

much.  I might go to Barbados with my wife next week!”

“That sounds lovely!” gushed Suzie (if you don’t get it, me and Jerry are brothers.

He used to be an  evil genius and I used to be a James bond type guy.)

“Will you be going by Stanislaus the evil or Jerry now?” I asked.

“From now on I shall be Jerry Bond!” he announced.  “Do you remember my first evil identity?”
 
                           20 years earlier as told by Jerry Bond
WORLD VILLIAN HQ 1991
“So you want to be a registered villain, Mr. bond?” asked the evil secretary.
“Yes it is my lifelong dream!”

“Have you thought of a name?”

“Yes emmmmmm, I shall be ummmmm, Dr BAD.”

“You know, once you pick a name you’re stuck with it for a year,” warned the secretary.

“Oh well…. I’m sticking to my decision!”
“Ok sir, have a nice day creating evil.”
Now to find a secret lair thought Dr BAD. So he called his mom.  “Hey

mom.  Can I use the basement for my secret lair?” he asked.

“Ok, but only on weekdays,” she replied.

“Thanks mom. I love you!” he said down the phone.

“Well that’s not very villainous,” said his mom.

“Sorry mom, bye.”

“Now I must work on a plan!” he thought.

4 HOURS LATER: “DR BAD. OPEN THE DOOR!, IT’S THE FBI!” yelled an agent outside the door.

“It’s not locked,” Dr Bad called out.

The agent ran in and was immediately snagged by a rope and hung upside down. “Hahahahahahah!  You have fallen for my trap!” laughed the doctor.  “And now you shall watch as I cover the city with bubbles!! Hahahahhahahahahahahahah!!”
“Emmm well that isn’t very evil is it?” said the agent.

“How dare you!” screeched Dr Bad.  “My PhD is in evil!!”

“Now there go the bubbles! Watch people scream!!”
“Wait, wait! No! Stop having fun! Well we’ll see how fun it is when soap gets in your eyes!!

“Honey!” his mom yelled down the stairs.  “Your friend has to go home now!”
“Ok mom, 1 minute,” he said as he untied the secret agent.  “You can use the back door,” said Doctor Bad.

“Emm thanks,” said the confused agent.  “Safe trip!” yelled the doctor after him.

Back in the kitchen 2 pots of coffee and 12 biscuits have been devoured. “Yes, I was quite naïve back then,” said Jerry smiling.

By Odin O Sullivan